Melanthriel

good afternoon im typing this in java class again lol
dw im paying attention just not 100%

anyway uh

quick run down since february?:
still not well. at all. been mostly physical issues but since last few weeks been extremely depressed and overwhelmed!!!!!!!!!!!!
had a lot of breakdowns etc, had a rly bad one on the 18th/19th of march (i cant remember if it was before or after midnight lmao) and. make a quick non-serious suicide attempt, got placed more or less under house arrest (ie have to be in someones presence 24/7) in exchange for not going to hospital AHAHAHAH
spent birthday being overwhelmed by people's kindness spam and also feeling extremely sad and undeserving of said kindness and blah
been extreme depress/anxiety since but not self-harm inclined? have those. thoughts. but no desire to act on them

have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon..? its scheduled for the 10th but i may have to reschedule because my dad, who usually takes me to my appointments and stuff, is going to jA for a few weeks on the 7th
i'll be staying mostly with my sister since she lives in the city my college is but the appointment is on a tuesday which is the day between my classes and the place is kinda far from said city lmaoooo my sister prolly wont b able to manage that. shes not v healthy either

regarding pains, had seen a rheumatologist who referred me to get physical therapy, but physical therapy was $137 per visit... i was hoping thatd be the price for the first visit then i pay less on followups but nope same price each time. we cant afford that shit shdljddlkgj so no physical therapy for me. even though the therapist wanted me to come in twice a week,,,,,,,,,, rip LOL

i see said rheumatologist again on friday if the psych doesnt choose friday for my resched so ????????????? we'll. see.

i'm in worse pain these past few days? like. since monday
usually its my right shoulder/arm/wrist that hurt but since monday my LEFT shoulder(and arm/etc by extension but esp the shoulder) is also hurting and its. even worse than the right shdljdldjg and my legs(esp joints ie hips/knees/ankles) have also been acting up since monday????? pain not as bad as shoulders/etc but still. make it hard to walk ahslsjdlj i dont know whats going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! o<-<

i cant focus well lately between pains and depression and anxiety and i cant do much either??? i wanna draw or write or stuff but. it. hURTS
i also havent really played any games because i cant. focus. no energy and no interest and no FOCUS

man i gotta throw my whole body away and get a new one.


anyway might try uploading some art ive done soon??? like, theyre pm all months overdue for uploading LOLOL im. terrible

ps thanks for the few birthday wishes ill reply when i can muster the energy. ilove you <3

im not ok.

yo im actually in java class rn but whatever i need to,, throw my emotions out somewhere

so uh last night i had trouble sleeping bc out of nowhere my entire legs were hurting a lot. a dif pain from the pain i get from overexertion/my usual blunt achy pain kind of? this pain was sharper. and literally everywhere from my hips down to my toes/heels and is2g i have zero idea WHY

and then also my shoulders have been acting up too lately esp my right one as usual? so like. rn on top of shoulders pains i have,,,, my legs,,, my lower spine as of a few days now,,,, uh as of today, my wrists too,,,, i dont know! everywhere hurts o<-< right now theyre not half as severe as the pains i got in 2012~2013, im still pretty operative (minus my back a few days ago it was rly bad,,, not so much today) but gosh they seriously affect my mood oh my gooooddddd screamscries

as a result im just. super depressed rn hahhhahha i think. my pains...anytime im in pain that affects my functionality, my mentality slips back to like despair. idk. a trigger???? its like oh no not this again. not again. idk how to describe it but its prolly a trigger,,, ahljdljfdg

aside from these pains i randomly got a whole virus throat infection thing all of a sudden last wednesday and i went to the doctor on saturday im not really better yet

aside-aside from those uh i did badly with the javascript things from last semester i was tof inish,,, i managed to end the course with a c but entirely bc i failed to get much done over the two extra months i feel awful still like. i wasted. so much time doing NOTHING but staring at the instructions,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i only spent like 4 days doing actual work? o<-< out of TWO MONTHS!!! im awful ahahhahaha

uh asiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide from THOSE uh i really miss drawing
i havent really been drawing and it makes me really sad and hopeless because it hurts tod raw and i usually have no energy to do anything but some halfass touchpad scribbles and im just. sad. i miss drawing a lot,,,,

i miss a lot of things id love to wake up one day feeling okay, and being able to do at least one thing that i need or want to do sobs

im sad im so sad im really frustrated and i feel hopeless !!!! cries.

ok i think thats enough word vomit
back to class
ilu all